and so i learn
inside a tortured soul
there is always yet another
deeper level of sorrow to discover
it feels sometimes the descend is endless
and the lower you get
the more you need to rely on yourself
as all help is withdrawn
by the helpless world around you
when you appear to have gone
down, to another reality
everyone fears to fail
especially those that do not try to help you
so what can you do
now that you have run out of options?
7/22/11
7/14/11
after the fight II
dropped by a heavy healing heaven
your life is a temporary death
i want to show you the palm of my hand
the age of meaningless names
7/5/11
tied to the past
i never wanted to move away from here
i never wanted to give this up
i look you in the eye and your soul is closed
i see your soul is closed
i move on
i look you in the eye
i see inside your heart
a locked door
a closed soul
your soul is closed
i look in your eye
you are empty
i look you in the eye and i see
your soul is closed
you cut youself
and you look at yourself bleeding
your soul is closed
i see your heart
a locked door
your soul is closed
i want to say i love you
you don't want to hear
your soul is closed
let me take you down into the valley
where you fear to go
i take you by the hand in darkness
you trust me until the sun comes up
it is time to go now
i will not forget the life i had
i will not forget the feelings i felt
i will not forget what happened to me
this is no time to cry
this is the time to go now
let me hurt a bit more
before you take me away
let me sit here weeping
tied to my past
watch me cry
soul in the dirt
kick it then walk away
when you twist the knife
i can look at your heart
and the closed door
i never wanted to give this up
i look you in the eye and your soul is closed
i see your soul is closed
i move on
i look you in the eye
i see inside your heart
a locked door
a closed soul
your soul is closed
i look in your eye
you are empty
i look you in the eye and i see
your soul is closed
you cut youself
and you look at yourself bleeding
your soul is closed
i see your heart
a locked door
your soul is closed
i want to say i love you
you don't want to hear
your soul is closed
let me take you down into the valley
where you fear to go
i take you by the hand in darkness
you trust me until the sun comes up
it is time to go now
i will not forget the life i had
i will not forget the feelings i felt
i will not forget what happened to me
this is no time to cry
this is the time to go now
let me hurt a bit more
before you take me away
let me sit here weeping
tied to my past
watch me cry
soul in the dirt
kick it then walk away
when you twist the knife
i can look at your heart
and the closed door
6/7/11
every heart i know has been broken
i am feeling sick
i feel pain when i am with you
i feel pain when i am alone
i feel pain when i run away
i feel pain when i penetrate you
i feel pain when you smile at me
i feel pain when you hold me
i feel pain when i am dreaming
i want to love myself
but i only love you
i am like a child
who got lost on the way home
i feel pain when i am with you
i feel pain when i am alone
i feel pain when i run away
i feel pain when i penetrate you
i feel pain when you smile at me
i feel pain when you hold me
i feel pain when i am dreaming
i want to love myself
but i only love you
i am like a child
who got lost on the way home
5/3/11
the darkness
when it's time to go
you will be the one saying goodbye
god will watch
and i will not smile
i search simplicity
but there are only new conundrums
it might be a line from birth to creation
or a jealous look
there is nothing to see here
go and leave me be
what i seek is tenderness
as it's the only thing that never fills my cup
i look what evils hurt me
i ignore the insecurities that kill
but how and where is a true look
of understanding
you do this for yourself
and so does everyone
when it's time to leave
you think about what will become of you
i give you the key
go and unlock the soul of another man
give him the freedom you have to share
it's what you truly hold inside your heart
this is the beginning of understanding
the world serving you from it's source
this is what is hidden
i am the seeker
you want to be my mate?
you will be the one saying goodbye
god will watch
and i will not smile
i search simplicity
but there are only new conundrums
it might be a line from birth to creation
or a jealous look
there is nothing to see here
go and leave me be
what i seek is tenderness
as it's the only thing that never fills my cup
i look what evils hurt me
i ignore the insecurities that kill
but how and where is a true look
of understanding
you do this for yourself
and so does everyone
when it's time to leave
you think about what will become of you
i give you the key
go and unlock the soul of another man
give him the freedom you have to share
it's what you truly hold inside your heart
this is the beginning of understanding
the world serving you from it's source
this is what is hidden
i am the seeker
you want to be my mate?
3/30/11
inside the remains of a broken past
there's a new wing growing
where once there was a lead weight
with a new eye i see
twenty years of addiction disolving
a history revealed
by a stable home
the unexpected end came with no hello
it started with a broken cup
a painful word
and no trust
a broken childhood
and no education
i ran away
through the keyhole
i found a world in sidereality
that was populated by lost souls
looking for love and destruction
the possibility of a quick end
where age would be heavy
inside a single glance
filled with desire
it turned from a taste
to a greedy feast
until only the best
or the new would be good enough
but a hungry mind
had to be fed with the available scraps
or there would be nothing
it hurt so bad
but i thought this was life
when he did not say yes
and he was in the same pit
and he created a wall
it seemed there was no other way
and so it went on
one after another
each false sanctuary died
and we were all lost without them
pushing for new depths
new drugs showed me
how unreal everything was
when the morning light sent me to sleep
what happened in these twenty years
and how did i survive them
i wonder if this is the end of words
my fragile reality now
is created by a warm soul
that holds the real me
and shows me who i am
i could have seen the painful
and it would have crushed me
if i did not know this today
i could not sit here now
with a peaceful heart
so i am thankful to the darkness
and lock it inside my own past
where once there was a lead weight
with a new eye i see
twenty years of addiction disolving
a history revealed
by a stable home
the unexpected end came with no hello
it started with a broken cup
a painful word
and no trust
a broken childhood
and no education
i ran away
through the keyhole
i found a world in sidereality
that was populated by lost souls
looking for love and destruction
the possibility of a quick end
where age would be heavy
inside a single glance
filled with desire
it turned from a taste
to a greedy feast
until only the best
or the new would be good enough
but a hungry mind
had to be fed with the available scraps
or there would be nothing
it hurt so bad
but i thought this was life
when he did not say yes
and he was in the same pit
and he created a wall
it seemed there was no other way
and so it went on
one after another
each false sanctuary died
and we were all lost without them
pushing for new depths
new drugs showed me
how unreal everything was
when the morning light sent me to sleep
what happened in these twenty years
and how did i survive them
i wonder if this is the end of words
my fragile reality now
is created by a warm soul
that holds the real me
and shows me who i am
i could have seen the painful
and it would have crushed me
if i did not know this today
i could not sit here now
with a peaceful heart
so i am thankful to the darkness
and lock it inside my own past
10/13/10
8/26/10
on another day
when i cry
it's for another day
today
i lie here
and i lock the fear you gave me away
my tears full of memories
and full of wishes
when you said sadness
i felt daggers falling from your mouth
now
the pool of blood i sit in
is the same one i drowned in
years ago
the one i want to kiss goodbye
with my very last breath
i heard you when you called for me
and i am who i want to be
under three stitches
lies my passion
and my understanding
has been thrown away
i comb my hair
for that other day
when i said noise i meant nothing
and when i held you i hoped
but i never believed
become like a mother and son
where is the field
fall with me
it will never be today
too much is past
what is left is for tomorrow
the salt is in the jar
i feel a knowing
like a cold wind
the end
it's for another day
today
i lie here
and i lock the fear you gave me away
my tears full of memories
and full of wishes
when you said sadness
i felt daggers falling from your mouth
now
the pool of blood i sit in
is the same one i drowned in
years ago
the one i want to kiss goodbye
with my very last breath
i heard you when you called for me
and i am who i want to be
under three stitches
lies my passion
and my understanding
has been thrown away
i comb my hair
for that other day
when i said noise i meant nothing
and when i held you i hoped
but i never believed
become like a mother and son
where is the field
fall with me
it will never be today
too much is past
what is left is for tomorrow
the salt is in the jar
i feel a knowing
like a cold wind
the end
6/25/10
in another time
once i had a love
it was true love
all i have now is
the death of the blue
when i kissed you
i said that i loved you
when i fucked you
you said that you loved me
once i had a love
not just a so so love
no it was true love
all i have now
it's nothing
the death of the blue
it was true love
all i have now is
the death of the blue
when i kissed you
i said that i loved you
when i fucked you
you said that you loved me
once i had a love
not just a so so love
no it was true love
all i have now
it's nothing
the death of the blue
6/15/10
as you like
hymn to youth and sidereality
i take your gift
your eyes, your touch
i look away you hold my back
uncertainty
inexperience
concern
freedom touches my thought
and rips the threads that hold me
inside the bliss of an unclear mind
i feel a spark creating juice
a longing to see what i haven't seen
and a longing for the comforting embrace
of the love i know
and as you cover me
i think of those with no history
of innocence and it's renewal
and as i go and turn
all paths that are lost to me
and pave the way for another
who will discover the truth
i turn again and see the more and the less
and where i am is always
as my mouth touches you
as i look at you
as i am on my knees
as i penetrate you
as i taste you
and as you take care of me
after a life in a day
11/11/09
for a moment in time
set on a path of destruction
i hear them
building and dreaming
moving away
big strong ray of different lights
to hold on to
for a different time
inside the mind of space
lifted off my feet
i am replaced and gone
i hear them
building and dreaming
moving away
big strong ray of different lights
to hold on to
for a different time
inside the mind of space
lifted off my feet
i am replaced and gone
9/27/09
Sunday, 27. September 2009, 8.30 am
somewhere you don't know i hurt myself
and dream of places i never heard of
where my fruits hang ripe in the trees
the blood from my brow
so much brighter red
than the blood in my mouth
the blood i send back to my heart
deep black
i pray, open my wounds
and dream of places i never heard of
where my fruits hang ripe in the trees
the blood from my brow
so much brighter red
than the blood in my mouth
the blood i send back to my heart
deep black
i pray, open my wounds
9/12/09
Tuesday, 8. September 2009, 11.55 pm
unfortunate enough
to have been born
into this spinning, spitting world
soon after my cries as a baby stopped
my innocence was ripped to shreds when
one of the first two people i ever
loved
went away and left me bleeding to my own accord
growing up an observer
and seeker of what there was to cherish
in this game designed for no purpose or end
i looked how evil destroyed
all happiness that people tried to find
and hold on to
i learned how
the animals are a mirror to our souls
and how we all cry
and how we are frightened
here in this darkness and brightness
because we do not understand
and fear the unknown
the universe outside
became a model for my heart
and i felt my suffering
and the hopelessness of misunderstanding
torn
i played along
against my own judgement
and the pain grew
and the blood poured out
i saw killing
and disrespect
lies and deceit
and at the bottom of it all
i saw there was no end
i dreamt of freedom
and about feeling at ease
i searched
for the people that loved me
and welcomed those i could love in return
i tried to be close
to the people that knew me
those who understood that
the fighting never stops
i arrived in the depths of despair
and i laughed
about the pointlessness and the hurting
and i ignored the knocks at the door that told me
time was up
i got help
and i learned cheating
so many things we do
designed to escape
the unavoidable
in desperation to succeed
for another moment in time
so here it is
a life created
gone in a second
and never to return again
repeated in the image that we hold in front of us
when we look
into each others eyes
for now
we cannot know
the where and the why
and our belief
is all we have
to have been born
into this spinning, spitting world
soon after my cries as a baby stopped
my innocence was ripped to shreds when
one of the first two people i ever
loved
went away and left me bleeding to my own accord
growing up an observer
and seeker of what there was to cherish
in this game designed for no purpose or end
i looked how evil destroyed
all happiness that people tried to find
and hold on to
i learned how
the animals are a mirror to our souls
and how we all cry
and how we are frightened
here in this darkness and brightness
because we do not understand
and fear the unknown
the universe outside
became a model for my heart
and i felt my suffering
and the hopelessness of misunderstanding
torn
i played along
against my own judgement
and the pain grew
and the blood poured out
i saw killing
and disrespect
lies and deceit
and at the bottom of it all
i saw there was no end
i dreamt of freedom
and about feeling at ease
i searched
for the people that loved me
and welcomed those i could love in return
i tried to be close
to the people that knew me
those who understood that
the fighting never stops
i arrived in the depths of despair
and i laughed
about the pointlessness and the hurting
and i ignored the knocks at the door that told me
time was up
i got help
and i learned cheating
so many things we do
designed to escape
the unavoidable
in desperation to succeed
for another moment in time
so here it is
a life created
gone in a second
and never to return again
repeated in the image that we hold in front of us
when we look
into each others eyes
for now
we cannot know
the where and the why
and our belief
is all we have
7/26/09
Sunday, 26. July 2009, 11.00 pm
back and further
weight between eyes
feels strong guilt
injustice
one moment in his arms
his fear in my heart
back into memory
what are they going to say
are they happy to see me
or afraid of what they don't understand
a kiss and goodbye
his love in my mouth
want to go now
want to go now
want to go now
want to go now
a call on the telephone
i turn the lights out
weight between eyes
feels strong guilt
injustice
one moment in his arms
his fear in my heart
back into memory
what are they going to say
are they happy to see me
or afraid of what they don't understand
a kiss and goodbye
his love in my mouth
want to go now
want to go now
want to go now
want to go now
a call on the telephone
i turn the lights out
6/3/09
Wednesday, 3. June 2009, 1.00 am
A wall of deep black clouds.
8 miles high it threatens to crush me.
I hope it will,
I wish that he will cover me.
8 miles high it threatens to crush me.
I hope it will,
I wish that he will cover me.
Monday, 2. March 2009, 1.00 am
Ticket for love, Kurzstrecke, protection.
Collect reminders of perfection.
Reject untold dark horizons.
Find.
Collect reminders of perfection.
Reject untold dark horizons.
Find.
2/15/09
Sunday, 15. February 2009, 1.00 pm
in dreams it's still okay
i had the most wonderful dream last night
it reminded me of the hopes i held in a different time
something i thought i had lost when
it was time to go but i refused to die
it has been so hard in this time without love
i try to accept that all this is nothing
and try to live on with just one single cold sun
i enter my dreams and i find a different world
where does it take me the moment i awake
and how can i get it back
where is the second chance
i wonder about the power of thought
i had the most wonderful dream last night
it reminded me of the hopes i held in a different time
something i thought i had lost when
it was time to go but i refused to die
it has been so hard in this time without love
i try to accept that all this is nothing
and try to live on with just one single cold sun
i enter my dreams and i find a different world
where does it take me the moment i awake
and how can i get it back
where is the second chance
i wonder about the power of thought
10/22/08
Wednesday, 22. October 2008, 11.00 pm
totally run out of words,
no more pictures,
only numbers of no meaning,
flights away i call your name,
i remember,
in memories i feel,
another day i call,
another day i wait.
how nice to have had,
how nice to have felt,
how nice to recall,
how nice,
i need a hammer,
and when i'm with you,
i need to forget,
and only look into your eyes.
no more pictures,
only numbers of no meaning,
flights away i call your name,
i remember,
in memories i feel,
another day i call,
another day i wait.
how nice to have had,
how nice to have felt,
how nice to recall,
how nice,
i need a hammer,
and when i'm with you,
i need to forget,
and only look into your eyes.
9/20/08
Friday, 19. September 2008, 9.00 pm
it's always the same,
and never the right time,
full of everything,
i feel it with two fingers,
so soft,
i never want to let it go.
and never the right time,
full of everything,
i feel it with two fingers,
so soft,
i never want to let it go.
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